we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
