Please, let me fuck your mom
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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