I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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