Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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