I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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