Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
