the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
