Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
