Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
