So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
