Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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