I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
