where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
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She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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