Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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