at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
