I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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