He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
