something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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