I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
