I checked into jail on foursquare
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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