Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
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I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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