shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
