$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
