I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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