weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize