The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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