In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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