the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
