FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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