im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
