awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
