after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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