My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
