So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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