life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
