I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
