I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
