Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
