honey bunches of taint.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
