Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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