The maid of honor just puked.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
