oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
