I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
