Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
