Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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