Can i not drive my cunt home
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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