I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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