Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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