all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
