You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
