My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
FUCK WHALES
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
