you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
