Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My feet surprised me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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