I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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