The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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