Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
