i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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