He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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